My Life

2006-09-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

I have decided to end this blog. The time has come for me to focus more on private journaling so that I can better express the profound revelations I get. I will be publishing my old journals in book form as well as online. Something to look forward to in the future. I need to write with the intention of keeping it to myself so that by the time I finish my journal I see that my writing is not influenced by the fact that the journal will be shared. I like to be real. :) I will be starting my fourth journal volume soon. I'm thinking of focusing it on secrets and lessons in life. Don't know what name it will be given, but I know what it will be dedicated to, evolution within oneself. :) It's time for me to get back on the path of self discovery. This blog will remain available online, so enjoy what I have written and stay tuned for my published journals. ;) Thanks for wanting to get to know me. The photo in this entry is of Alfonso, just so you all can finally see one of the greater men who has influenced me so much in the past decade.

2006-09-05T03:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was like a roller coaster. I spent most of the day with Miguel, but we were broken down at some points by many serious matters. It seemed to serve the purpose of allowing us to trust each other more. We went to Cynthia's briefly, then to a house where a friend of Miguel's, who is also named the same, was working on a door. While I was there I spoke to Stephany, she lives there. I reminisced with her about my BGI days, then we went with Miguel to Montebello so they could finish up a job and I could pick up a kitten there. A little male kitty I have yet to name. When we got back I ate dinner at Miguel's and the kitty rested peacefully in my Air Force sweater pocket. He's so tiny that he fits there, how cute. :) The photo in this entry is of the kitty waking up from his slumber. Aaaawwww.

2006-09-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I spent most of the day with Nazreen. We were supposed to go out to eat and go to a club but plans kept changing throughout the day. I ended up going home hungry and disappointed. I met up with Miguel afterwards and we walked to the Bicycle Casino. We weren't there very long because we were both feeling pretty tired. Jose never answered my calls, I guess he felt guilty for disappointing me with our plans for the concert. I spoke to Rudy before leaving with Nazreen and was only able to give him the update on my life. I was going to call him back when I returned but by then it was already too late. Yesterday I spent most of the day at home editing photos and most of the night with Miguel out and about. We took photos, went to Cynthia's, made a trip to the 7 Eleven, raided the peach tree again, and decided to call it a night early because I was feeling nauseous. He sneaked over some hot dogs for me over the wall though, how thoughtful. I gave him my first journal, Jean, to read because he requested it. I had given him the option of reading it before, and he finally decided to read it because he didn't want to wait for me to tell him everything he wants to know about me. I've known him since I was 16, but we are just now getting to really know each other. I have 2 journals that are the single most valuable possessions I have, Jean, and Susan I call them. Megan is an unfinished one after the second. I could be a billionaire with lots of real estate and still feel like those journals are more valuable. Everything anyone wants to know about me is in those journals, they were written specifically for that purpose. Although, only a handful of people have actually had the privilege of gaining the knowledge within those books. Surprisingly, Rudy is the only person who has turned down the offer to read my journals. Some day they will be published though, mainly for the purpose to prevent any more wear and tear on the originals. So far, Miguel is fascinated by my writing, I've never gotten a reaction as great as his. It made me feel pretty good, it made my night. I'm inspired to start journaling again so that I can continue giving others hope. :)

2006-09-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

Helena finally came over yesterday. We took the pictures we were supposed to and she met my friend Miguel. She said she was going to stay the whole weekend but let something come up. Peter came over too. He stayed a short while but was planning on returning since Jr. was going to come over too late in the evening. Neither of them ever made it. I went to the Bicycle Casino with Miguel and met his uncle that works there. He looks a lot like Franco. We just stayed there and watched everyone gambling. Afterwards I found myself having a nice conversation with Miguel on the porch of the empty house next to mine. I talked to him about the influential men in my life and why they were so highly regarded. He seemed to be understanding and fascinated at the same time. Yesterday really was just another lazy day. :) The photo in this entry is of my sister Helena when she came over.

2006-09-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a nice day with Miguel. Lately our conversations have been more meaningful. We talk about our past, our ambitions, and about ourselves. We took a lot more photos that came out pretty interesting. At one point I was taking care of his niece Ashley, Miguel and I were surprised at how comfortable she is with me. She is usually quite shy of people she doesn't know. I took pictures of her with me and she was just so fascinated by my camera. We went to the store for a soda a few times as well. On one of those trips we were walking back home and I suddenly got the instinct to turn around and look back. As soon as I did, oddly enough Alfonso was driving by going home. We saw each other right away and he waved hello. It was such a synchronicity because it was like I subconsciously sensed him coming by. I'm sure that's how it appeared. Miguel didn't see him until he was already going into his driveway though. Miguel later had to do some work with a friend of his so in the meantime I went with my mom to try to get her computer fixed. When I got back I went looking for Miguel since he had called while I was away. I didn't find him anywhere at first, so I was going to go home. Well, as soon as I get near the front of his driveway, he starts pulling in with his friend and comes out of the car. He presented me with a beautiful bouquet of roses and it just made me speechless. I couldn't stop blushing, he he. It made my night. We took a lot of silly pictures afterwards and just sat and talked. In the morning I spoke with Jr. and he has assigned me another mission to accomplish. He's coming over to work on some things he wants me to do on the internet. He's surely my most demanding client, but it's all good because he's my brother. :) My brother Peter came by yesterday, he posed a few questions out of curiosity about my friendship with Miguel. He just advised me to be careful and left it at that. On another note, these days, epiphanies have been coming at me from all directions. The other night I ended a friendship with someone because I realized that I was being taken advantage of. I used to stand for that kind of crap with other people all the time. Not anymore, this person crossed the line and lost my trust, more than once. I realized I was being too nice in continuing to be patient and understanding when I should have known that nothing was going to change. Miguel was my inspiration but not the reason for my decision. He knocked a lot of sense into me by showing me how I should not take shit from anyone. If others give me bullshit, they are going to get it back, whether it be from me or not. If it wasn't for that realization and application I would not have had the confidence to talk shit back to the wannabe tough guys that hang out at the front of his driveway. So now they don't say a damn thing anymore. Now I value myself enough to get rid of all the obstacles that hindered my success. So now I have no worries over others. I realized that a friendship should be mutual, if it isn't its superficial. In a true and lasting friendship there are never any pretexts. And that's why I am grateful that my best friends are the people that they are. A few days ago I realized a few other thing as well. True love is so profound that you are oblivious to it when it hits you. Right now I don't know how to explain it exactly how I perceive it to be so, but I know I will get it right one of these days. Another realization was that the factor that made me so special to people all my life is that I have the power to change people's lives. Most of the people I have come to know has had their lives changed from knowing me, and I was oblivious to it until now because it was never my intention to begin with. What I find crazy about it though is that I change people's lives in both good and bad ways. I either make them rise, or I completely destroy their lives. So far there has only been one person that has never ever been affected by my presence in their life, David Rodriguez. And that's what makes him special. That guy will never be fazed by me. So I guess that's the "thing" about me that people are drawn to, my unintentional will to change the lives of others. The photo in this entry is of me at the the wall by Miguel's house. A particularly sharp one at that. :)

2006-08-31T00:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a nice day. I hung out with Miguel most of the time. We watched "A Walk to Remember" and ate lunch. We kept making trips throughout the day to the stores to buy sodas. I'm freaking addicted to caffeinated soda. I drink soda like some people drink water. I saw Miguel pretty angry at one point today, not towards me though. He was scolding someone. On one of the walks to the store we were on our way back and Alfonso had drove by and greeted us as he passed. Miguel made a comment about me continuously staring at him as he went by and turned on Eastern. I guess he got a little jealous, but I explained that it was a force of habit already. I realized that when I thought Alfonso came by last night. All these years I have been used to taking as much advantage of seeing Alfonso when he was around. His appearances were always rare. I'm used to getting as much of a view of him as I can when I would spot him. The impulse has lessened since I started getting to know him, although it's still a bit shocking whenever he is right in front of me. He he. When sunset came around, Whitney told me of a little mission she accomplished. It was pretty hilarious. It had to do with the dumbfuck that would always try to disrespect me. Well, that dog's day arrived. LOL. At one point in speaking with her, she mentioned some slang I didn't understand. I kept telling her that I didn't understand what she was saying, and Miguel just commented that I am too educated to understand street talk. I guess that's pretty true sometimes. I took a few pictures of her, tomorrow is her birthday, she's gonna be 20. Later on I had a long pleasant conversation with Miguel about why I was discharged from the Air Force. I had mentioned the reasons briefly to him before, but this time I really went into detail and reminisced a lot in the process. He said he noticed that I always speak so highly of the Air Force. How can I not? He he. It was going to be my life. Then my dad came and didn't let me finish my conversation because my mom needed me at home. It was still pretty early too. The photo in this entry is a portrayal of the expression on my face when I listen to the song Breathe Me by SIA. I can never get enough of that song. :) Those are my earphones by the way. This photo shows how I feel when I hear that song. It humbles me.

2006-08-30T00:24:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a beautiful song that I was inspired by many years ago. Breathe Me by SIA. This song impacted me profoundly for its sound and message. It almost makes me want to cry. The reason this song ministers to me is because its a perfect example of how vulnerable I feel sometimes. Sometimes it's what I want when I feel alone. Beneath the mask of the hard ass Lynda that everyone sees, and behind the solid brick wall surrounding my heart lies a fragile little soul with a great void. This song describes my void. I found this song recently and just froze when I recognized it. Lately I have been feeling a little lost, even burdened sometimes. I ponder a lot about my future, my desires in life, and what is meant to be for me. Yet in the end I usually conclude that I'm quite happy in life. Well, yesterday was an interesting day. I slept until late afternoon and then went to Miguel's. We ate dinner and went to the store a lot. I was on a mission to get my preferred Starburst. We took a lot of photos all throughout the day. We went to Cynthia's house and hung out there for a while. She has a lot of cats, and one of the mother's gave birth that morning. She has a very adorable kitten that reminds me of Jean (RIP), a kitten I had a while back. We went to Cynthia's house with Miguel pushing me in a shopping cart and we went home the same way. It was hilarious. At one point I screamed like an banshee because I saw someone I hate and tried scaring him. I'm sure that motherfucker got scared, he looked it. LOL. That made Miguel just crack up in the middle of the street. I made him laugh quite a bit yesterday. I was very amused as well. So the day ended really nicely. I can't wait for what tomorrow brings. :) The photo in this entry is of the shadows of Miguel and I as we are walking down G Block on a mission to find my Starburst. I like it because it's an interesting photo that portrays our friendship. :)

2006-08-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

I have realized a few things today. I cannot love a friend or significant other (unless it's my husband) more than I do my family because my family is the only thing worth crying over. I cried over Franco for 3 years after he disappeared. Rudy was part of the reason I got over Franco. Most of the reason I got over Franco was because I could not afford having the pain of losing him take over my life to the point where I could not function in the world. Those years were some of the hardest I've lived through because of that pain. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I no longer believe that any person other than someone in my family is worth feeling so much pain over. I made a promise to myself that I would never cry over the loss of anyone again. No friend or boyfriend, not even a crush, no one. My eyes are all out of tears and my heart has bled its last drop. I've gotten over everything, nothing can faze me, I've moved on. And should any situation come up again where its a setup for another blow to my heart, you better believe I'm gonna get myself out of that quick. Something else I have realized is the great influence that a parent has on their child. And this is mainly in the situation of being a single parent. Some parents fuck up the minds of their children by telling them that the other parent is no good. While others tell their child that the other parent loves them even though they know it's a lie, and simply wait for that child to mature enough for them to make up their own mind about what opinion to have about that other parent. If I were a single parent, I'd be like my mom was when my dad left us for a few years. She told us nothing but good things about him, so we loved him still when he returned. And when we were old enough to make up our own minds about what he did she told us the truth and still didn't tell us anything to make us hate him. She was never selfish, she never wanted us to believe that only she loved us and only she would be there for us. She never pushed it into our minds that she was the only person that we would ever truly need in our lives. We realized it on our own, which I really think is the best way. I'm very grateful that my mom was humble about her place in our lives. That's why I love my dad so much and always will. Nobody loves my dad more than I do. He knows that and that's why I'm the light of his life. I love both of my parents the same, and my mother would not have it any other way. Another thing I realized is that one of the reasons I don't want to be in a relationship with someone is because I really don't like when the other person takes advantage of the level of comfort between the two and when they get angry, depressed, or uncomfortable about something, they make you feel very guilty about it and expect you to make them feel better or relieve whatever discomfort they feel. Some may think that that's the obligation that you have when you are in a committed relationship. I don't think so because when you are in a committed relationship it's ok to feel those bad feelings, but it's not alright to drag your partner down and make them feel bad about something that doesn't have anything to do with them. And even when it does have everything to do with them, your sensitivity to their hurtfulness is only a result of what you perceive as being hurtful. If you get hurt, that's on you. If I get hurt, that's on me. Being hurt in any way is not universal for someone to say, "How can you expect me not to feel hurt?" Just because someone is your significant other does not give you or them the power to manipulate them like that. This applies to friends as well. Showing or expressing any negative feelings is a weakness. I have so much strength from having this philosophy. Hardly anyone I know has ever seen me cry out of pain and sorrow. My brother Jr. once told me a long time ago that he noticed how I would walk around with a mean look on my face, always frowning. What he said got to me, and it made me change that gradually. That constant look on my face was a result of all the negativity I've felt from a hard ass life being bottled up. I was always so oblivious to myself doing that until he made me realize it. I never did it consciously. So even when it feels like the world is crashing down on me at times, I still put on a happy ass face to the world or at least seem neutral. I recently learned this from someone I am getting to know by observing his behavior. He's neutral about most things, and when he's quite happy about something, he shows it a lot, yet in such a subtle way. It's odd. I believe that the way he deals with his emotions is the best way. Even though he may want to express something, if it's not his place to, he won't. I'm the same way, I always consider other people when it comes to expressing what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, or what's on my mind. As Miguel learned about me earlier, I don't like to unload my negativity on others. He found himself extremely frustrated at an issue that was totally off course of what he assumed of me. He learned that the reason for my recent behavior is because I have many things bothering me everyday, most things being constant. He wants me to express my thoughts and issues, but I always feel like it's either bad timing or that I'm just too reserved to say anything. I usually do get around to expressing my issues to people, but not in an inconsiderate manner or in a desperate way. Because of my mother and my brothers, I learned to be reserved about my expressions when they have the possibility of being exclusive to someone. Everyone around me has enough to deal with in their lives at any given time, why would I want to make it worse for them by giving them another issue for them to worry over? Besides, I'm the one for them to be venting to and leaning on. I'm everyone's pillar, if I crumble, people lose hope in me. Sometimes I amaze even myself with the strength I have. He he. Well, yesterday I stayed home most of the day taking care of a few mundane things. I went to see Miguel after that, he was kicking it with an acquaintance, I stayed for a while. We went to make a beer run at the other end of BG, although I got a soda, like I always do. When we got back I tried taking a few photos, but the mood was a little too serious for that. Although I noticed that Miguel's acquaintance (my dumb ass forgot his name already), kept saying "Dude". It was very amusing, I found myself giggling at it sometimes. He was already on his way to getting really drunk, so it was even funnier to see how someone can say the word "Dude" so many times in one sentence. Gosh, I have such odd humor, maybe I find too many things funny. No one has really been able to understand my humor, but they are still happy that I laugh at what they do or say. :) After that guy left, Whitney came over to talk to me. She told me about her day. Once she left, Miguel found himself quite furious, he even punched a wall and hurt himself. I didn't feel comfortable being around that, so I left. I went back home and got on the computer. A few hours passed and I got a call from Miguel, he wanted me to take a walk with him and said he needed to talk to me. It took a long time for him to even begin mentioning anything, but he eventually said what was bothering him. I clarified for him, and he felt a lot better after. So I was glad to be of service. :D I've been having quite a bit of inspiration lately, always a good thing when it provides the betterment of others. The photo in this entry is of a white rose in my garden. A very nice grayscale photo. :)

2006-08-28T00:45:00.000-07:00

Two days a go I spent most of the day with Miguel and Alfonso. When I met up with them they were working on fixing Alfonso's car stereo speakers. Not sure if they actually solved the problem, but after a while they decided to either give it up or that it was good enough. I was taking lots of pictures of Miguel and managed to get a few of Alfonso. He seems to be quite camera shy. Miguel and I began taking some really nice photos of the scenery around us, it was around sunset so I decided to take advantage of it. I needed to get some good shots of the sunset to show Jeff. I think I got some really good ones. We both had to get on roofs to get our shots, but it was worth it. After that I was talking to Whitney, an old friend from 6th grade. We reminisced a lot about BGI days and even high school. Then her sister Vicky invited Miguel and I to a party. Miguel wasn't going to go, but since I wanted to, and it was a Saturday, why not? We invited Alfonso, so he decided to go with us, we all went in his car. We had a blast at the party. The music was great, everybody danced but Miguel, and we all had a lot of laughs. It was some of the best entertainment I've ever had. Just me, Miguel, Alfonso, and Vicky, partying like we owned the place. Miguel was sitting most of the time, Alfonso got pretty loose and danced with us, he got pretty silly. Vicky knew a few people there including the hostess, she was on the dance floor enjoying herself quite a bit. We decided to leave after 3 am, some of us were tired already. Alfonso dropped us all off and he went home. I stuck around with Miguel for a little but until I felt myself getting really tired. He never went to sleep. That night was unforgettable, one of the best in my life. Yesterday, I met up with Miguel and Alfonso again, they were having some games of dominoes. Alfonso actually left shortly after. He said he was going camping next weekend and told me of a place called Silverwood in San Bernandino. I guess that's where he's going. I spent the rest of the day talking to Miguel, trying to show him how to dance, and listening to music. We had a little tension at the end of that period. He offended me profoundly at one point, it actually activated a wall in me. When I got home Mario came over and we went to the Jaboneria park and got on the swings. After a while we went to my driveway and sat on the porch of the house next to mine and just talked. I vented quite a bit to him, mainly about why his status has changed and the feelings I have been getting from everyone recently. I spoke with Rudy earlier yesterday and while Mario was over, I explained the same thing to him, he was able to give me some good advice. Once I parted from Mario, I called Miguel because I noticed he had called a few times. He asked me to take a walk with him. I went out and walked with him to the bus stop in front of 7 Eleven and back. He apologized for his behavior and made me laugh so freaking hard, I was on the floor. He's pretty hilarious sometimes. He's sometimes surprised at the things I laugh at, but he continues on anyway. So I'm koo with everyone once again. Miguel has gotten over his issues, Mario understands the situation, Rudy sees the struggle I'm in, and Alfonso has finally loosened up around me. That guy is nuts sometimes, but it's very amusing. The photo in this entry is of the sunset I caught two days ago. :)

2006-08-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

The last two days have been nice. Not much activity, but they were enjoyable nonetheless. Two days ago I spent most of the afternoon with Miguel. We watched movies and just chillaxed all day. We went to the river bed for a while. We heard a bunch of bats flying around and there was a game going on across the river at a park. When we were on our way back we spotted a peach tree in a yard and decided to take a few peaches. They were so good, better than supermarket ones. Later I hung out with Mario for a little while, his friend Jr. was with us in the beginning but then he decided to take off. I slept a whole 12 hours after that. Then yesterday I went to Miguel's in the morning and ate breakfast there and we were on the computer most of the morning. We managed to finish watching "Flight of the Phoenix". We had lunch and took a bunch of pictures of his nephew and niece. They have such bold eyes. Later we decided to go raid the peach tree again, this time we got more. We took a few more photos out in the grassy area then I retired for the night. Yesterday was a nice and lazy day altogether. I did quite a bit of editing on profiles on MySpace as well. I'm becoming more in demand these days. I was supposed to have a photo session with one of my friends today, but was unable to get in touch with her. I wasn't able to hang out with Mario yesterday either because he said he was too tired. Oh well. Maybe next time.

2006-08-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was very weary because I had not slept the previous night. I was up working on photo editing and managing MySpace profiles. With everything that I do, I think I should be getting paid for my efforts. In the morning I went over to Miguel's and ate breakfast, watched some movies, and his homegirl Cynthia came over. She had her dog with her, his name is Rocky, a huge pitbull mastiff mix. Then Miguel and I decided to go to the Jaboneria park. We were swinging on the swings and it made me a bit nauseous, so I went home pretty tired. Then I decided to call Rudy in the afternoon. We talked for a lot of hours. I told him that I called because the situation seemed too similar to that of another I was in with someone else many years ago. That person said he needed a break and that he would contact me afterwards. I was patient, yet that call never came. By the time I tried getting in touch with him instead, he was nowhere to be found. Rudy initiated the same here, and as soon as I realized it I called him because I was afraid of the same thing happening with him. Although he says he would have kept to his word with contacting me someday. I was abandoned once, I can't stand to experience it again. In speaking with him I think I finally got through to him about the concept of considering the opposite person when you are trying to communicate something to them. You have to get on their level in order for them to clearly get what you're saying. The same goes for ensuring that someone understands how you feel about them. He always had the problem of seeing things as "take it or leave it" when it came to him portraying anything he had to. That's why he found himself so frustrated with people not understanding him or believing the same as him. We reminisced on a lot of memories and ended our conversation pretty late. Before I retired for the night I went to see Miguel and was glad to see he was feeling much better than a few hours earlier. Mario called before I went to sleep, he has been very busy. So I probably won't be seeing much of him until the weekend. The photo in this entry is of an interesting looking spider I saw in my garden a few days ago.

2006-08-23T01:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty laidback day. I saw Miguel most of the day. There was a little bit of tension early in the day, but it was soon taken care of towards the end. We managed to get a few good photos, and later I could have gotten more but the battery died on my camera. I hung out with Mario for a bit after he got home. It seemed like we could hardly talk about anything with substance. I got hungry so I went home early. I almost forgot my camera in his car too. When he dropped me off I went to meet up with Miguel again since he was outside in the front of his driveway. He was out there with the dude that seems to never stop disrespecting me. Miguel and I were talking and this dude decides to be persistent in his getting my attention. He was asking me about my brother or mentioning something about Miguel and I, and I just kept ignoring him as I spoke to Miguel. Then he got up from where he was and walked up to me and offers me his hand to shake, almost as if to express that he wanted a truce or that he was sorry. I was almost going to take his offer until he decided to put his hand on me. That was very unexpected. He put his hand on my shoulder I guess because he wanted to seem sincere about his request, and as soon as I felt it I backed away and sternly told him, "Don't touch me." He backed off and turned to Miguel. Miguel said with a chuckle, "You're not wanted." Then the dude decided to walk off. Perhaps he doesn't understand the concept of earning respect. So until he does he'll have to either keep on trying or just leave me the hell alone. Before I retired for the night I had a nice contemplative talk with Miguel. I explained how I felt about my relationships with people and why they are the way they are. I also let him know a little bit of history with each person that I know. In doing so I realized that there are only four people I know that I can truly claim as real, loyal, respectful, and true friends. They don't give me drama, they don't make me feel guilty, they don't expect anything from me that should not be expected, and they are the most balanced and mature people I know. Miguel being one of them is the one of out all that I've known the longest. A lot of people misjudge him. I'm glad he's finally given me the opportunity to get to know the real him. Although I always had the same idea in my head about him. When I first knew him I got the sense of how respectful he was, and that's how he gained my respect and trust, despite his appearance and demeanor around others. Not everyone can understand that, but like my brother Jr. said, he has a good heart, he's simply led by people. Who can blame him? So I left Miguel on a good note. We pondered and shared a lot, always an enjoyable thing when you do it with a real good friend. :) The photo in this entry is of Miguel from our photo session yesterday. It's a very sharp photo, and I just want to show off my skill. :)~

2006-08-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was a pretty fun day. I woke up feeling like shit because everything was hurting, but I got on my computer nonetheless and started editing photos. Then Miguel called and let me know he got the wrong date for something he had to take care of, he didn't have to do it yesterday. But he will have to take care of it on Thursday. He asked me to come over so I could show him some stuff on his computer. We spent a lot of time on there and found some time to just talk. I learned a few more interesting things about him, made me realize just how humble he is. His niece really took to me, she's usually pretty shy with strangers. We took a lot of photos of her because she has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen on a human being. I ate breakfast at his house, he made me lunch to eat at my house and Brisa brought me dinner and we shared it at his house. All day we just goofed around outside of my house taking silly ass pictures and cracking jokes. We were going to take a walk around the block and instead he found himself pushing me in a shopping cart as we spotted all the fruit trees along the streets. It was hilarious most of the way, we hit a bump halfway through and I nearly fell back. Then he picked a gigantic unripe grapefruit and with such slyness offered it to me and said "You want a lemon?" I was practically falling over in the cart. We saw an interesting tree that had sooooo many spider webs with humongous spiders, little spiders, and colorful spiders. It was pretty trippy, we both have never seen so many spiders in a tree before. Later on we went to his house to watch a movie. We took more sill ass pictures, one of which is pictured in this entry. I'm wearing a beanie of his he decided to sport for the photos. We watched "In Her Shoes", but never finished it. I once again was unable to hang out with Mario, but as always, its not his fault. I had a really great day being stupid and silly with Miguel yesterday. So much that I don't feel as sick anymore, I guess laughter really is the best medicine. I even felt confident enough to tell off one of the dudes that has been talking shit about us. He was like "I'm gonna tell 55", and I just yelled out to him, "Why the fuck do you care?!" Then Miguel was like, "That sure shut him up." LOL. Stupid ass foos think they can intimidate us. They don't even know the situation. Just a bunch of lowlives trying to be tough. Hopefully all this lame drama will end soon, I'm gonna make sure it does. Tomorrow shall be another adventure. :)

2006-08-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I have gotten pretty sick in the last two days. So I won't be going out much because of it. The cold air is killing me. Yesterday I hung out with Miguel most of the day. We took a bunch of silly ass pictures, just being retarded and all. He came to church with me for the last service that Br. Hancock would be ministering. It was pretty powerful. I was glad to see that he loved the service and that it had a good effect on him. My mom even went to the service, her first time ever going. After so many years we waited patiently for her to come. Hopefully it won't be the only time. Miracles were performed and a lot of people got baptized. It was pretty awesome. After church I went to Miguel's and we chilled out on his porch eating sandwiches and soup. Whitney came by and we conversated a bit about the stupid controversy over Miguel and I. Everybody seems to think we are together, but we're not. DUH. Last time I heard anything from anyone that tried to disrespect me was a stupid ass dude that thought he could talk to me like he knows me just because he knows my brothers. He yelled out at us "I'm gonna tell 55". I just turned around and yelled back, "If anything you're the one who should be worrying about my brother." And he shut up. :D Like Whitney said, "Every dog will have his day". So my cold got worse because I was exposed to so much air from the outside within the church. I got a handkerchief though, they were being handed out. I'm going to use it from now on to trigger faith. :) I wasn't able to hang out with Mario, barely even talked to him. I guess he had drama at home or something. It was a pretty fun and interesting day nonetheless. The photo in this entry is of Miguel and I being silly by his house yesterday. We're such dorks. :D

2006-08-20T00:36:00.000-07:00

Well I was supposed to go to Mario's in the morning yesterday, but I couldn't because I had not slept all night and was pretty tired by the time I was supposed to go. I spent most of the night working on MySpace profiles that I manage. Then my brother Jr. came over and we just talked till he had to go in the morning. I slept for a few hours and was continuously interrupted by calls. I've been really tired and what's worse is that I hardly eat and I feel like a cold is coming on. I went to the mall with Mario so he could shop for clothes and stuff, then we ate dinner and drove to LAX and hung out at a spot next to the airport landing strip. While driving around there; there was a point when Mario was driving super fast down a long street going towards the direction the planes were coming from. As he picked up speed the plane that was landing was coming closer and it was huge. I nearly fainted at the point of the plane passing us so closely and the car speeding by. Watching the planes there was euphoric, they were so close to the ground. I've never been that close to the landing strip. The whole time we were there we took photos and shot video, and I managed to only watch one 747 fly by. It was so freaking huge and loud! :) They are my favorite planes. The feeling I got from watching the planes fly by so closely was so great that it gave me a headache later on. We were there during the night and still managed to get some good shots, but I definitely have to return in the daytime. Hopefully I will have the Nikon camera handy then. I was unable to get in contact with Miguel, so I couldn't hang out with him. The photo in this entry is of me and Mario at the LAX spot. We had a lot fun watching the planes.

2006-08-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

So I was able to help Miguel feel better about working things out with his life today. We hung out most of the day, watched The Emperor's Club at his house and he made me a sandwich. I met his friend Mary and her daughter. She pouts so innocently. I was supposed to go to LAX to watch the planes land and take off on Sepulveda, but Mario was unable to even come out of his house. So I guess we'll have to save that adventure for another day. :) I was planning on going because of how burned out I have been. I explained to Mario how each place I go to to meditate and clear my mind is a level of how bad I'm feeling. I go to the riverbed because its nearest and usually not much traffic. Then there's Downtown LA, then there's Highland Park next to the Gold Line, then LAX. I have not gone to LAX to meditate in nearly a decade. The last time I felt this bad was 3 years ago. Some people have only one place they go, I have many. :) So I had a serious talk with Miguel and we came to the conclusion that although he was making a lot of mistakes in his behavior around me, I am an understanding person enough to be patient with his actions. It's just a phase, not him. We pinky swore to be friends to each other since we both feel that its what we most need from each other. He needs someone to talk to, and I need someone to need me as well as someone to hang out with who will support my ideas. He told me he doesn't have any friends so I told him I'd be his. I guess like me he knows many, but not all can be called friends. I'd say I have a handful of friends. Nazreen, Mario, Jose, Rudy, and now Miguel. These are people I know through and through and who have never let me down. We have each other's backs and they need and want me as much as I do. So I'm happy that I made a difference today. It always feel good to help another in time of need. :) The photo in this entry is of Miguel and I at the front of the driveway in the morning a few weeks back. Don't know why he's looking down like that. He he.

2006-08-18T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just when I think that things are getting better in my situation, I am reminded that it's just the opposite. Each day I lose more hope. The only thing keeping that light at the end of the tunnel visible is knowing I have a few people backing me up and believing in me. They know who they are. Although, I know that things have to get worse before they get better. Each reverie I have before waking in the morning is a daily reminder of how I want to let go so badly of the negative things that surround me, yet I hold back. I so dearly hope for some positive out of all the negatives. But no, all the goodness has gone. There's not much to look forward to but the mundane of everyday life. I'm grateful at least for the fact that the people that mean to me the most are not around to witness this downfall. They still know me in all my innocence, in my greatest glory. I have always fought my own battles, I've yet to meet anyone who would stand by my side and fight with me. There has always been those that claim to be available whenever I may need them and are quick to turn their backs on me upon knowledge of a wrong doing of mine that they know is not geared towards them. They act immature about my actions which are mine alone and my own responsibility. Such hypocrisy that shows great weakness and insecurity. Who is anyone to judge another person? I'll continue to strive on resiliently without shaking though. I can only turn my anger into sadness to keep myself humble. To hell to anyone who doubts me, tries to hold me back, or disrespects me. No one is greater than I to try to make me feel guilty for things that I know are not wrong. People think I'm weak, and others know how strong I am. This is yet another bump in the road. :(

2006-08-17T03:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a more calm day for me. It was supposed to be a day for just me, to focus on the things that needed to be done and to relax and reflect. In the beginning of the day I was able to chillax and meditate just listening to music on my computer. Then I got a call from Miguel in the afternoon and he decided to invite himself over. He stayed most of the day, we took pictures and did some editing on the computer. I was going to go through the whole day without seeing anyone, goal unaccomplished. Mario came over after 9 pm and when we went to the 7 Eleven for a drink, I ran into Anthony. We exchanged numbers and hugs. I was quite surprised by his changed appearance since the last time I saw him. I was glad that at least I got to laugh a lot today. :) Tomorrow I will hopefully be able to get more done with my priorities. I have quite a few profiles to edit, hundreds of photos to organize and edit, and so many chores to take care of. I so need a freaking break.

2006-08-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have decided to stop bullshitting myself with wishful thinking. If I'm gonna succeed in this life of mine, I gotta make it happen because I want to. So I'm wanting to now. I need to heal, get rid of the uneccessities that surround me, and wake up from this lucid dream. The world is waiting for me. I spoke to Rudy yesterday, I had to call him to prevent myself from doing something stupid like he knows I always do. No one knows me more than he. He's the only person to ever take control from me, something I hold so precious. I remember telling him once that I met my match, which is pretty significant. I told him about the problems I have been having and eventually reached a conclusion as to what I am supposed to do. I'm going to try attending church while Brother Hancock is here. If anyone can make God move to perform miracles, its him. I really need a miracle. I need God. So hopefully I can find myself once again and gain the confidence I once had to make anything happen. I've accomplished all the missions I've had to. All I can take from everything are my precious memories and reveries. :)

2006-08-15T01:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent some time with Adrian. We ate lunch in Long Beach and he dropped me off since he had to go in to work and he was dozing off while driving. An odd talent of his. :) He went from the 105 to the 710 and didn't even realize how he got there. There were never any close calls, so I know he's good at driving. Then I met up with Miguel again and had him over at my house messing on the computer. We talked for a while over by his house afterwards and I learned that Alfonso actually is not scared of me. He seemed to be concerned about Alfonso wanting to come on to me. I don't blame him, but I know there's nothing to worry about. What I'm most afraid of is coming between them. God knows how bad I would feel if that were to happen. Miguel expressed so much emotion to me last night, I was so surprised. I nearly could not handle it, but I composed myself so he had a better chance of doing the same. A very rare moment it was. I understand his concerns, and hopefully I will be of great assistance to his efforts in getting better. We were going to take a walk somewhere, but turned around and on our way back we saw Alfonso drive by twice. He greeted us with a honk of his car. I later went to see Mario and talked to him outside of his house until I had to go home. I haven't seen him in a while, so we enjoyed our conversation a lot. Lots of laughs :). I learned that he expressed some deep sadness over me, it surprised me a lot. I had the previous notion that he was incapable of it. I was glad to make him feel much better though. A few people felt better about their situations yesterday. My abilities will be becoming quite limited though. Managing the emotions of 8 guys is becoming way too overwhelming even for me. Some tell me not to worry, others to do what I want, and yet others just give me space. Something I really need badly right now. Otherwise I know I will find myself running away. As much of a people pleaser as I am, even people like me need breaks. I didn't get into this situation knowing this was what was going to happen. I did not manifest this situation intentionally. Everything happened without my control or knowledge. It has just been surprise after surprise. I have three problems though, having the power of attraction that I have because everyone has fallen in love with me, my obliviousness to things until its too late, and my being naive to the things that people tell me. I really have to look out for myself, no matter how displeased some may be. So far the most respectful are Jose, Miguel, and Mario. I guess because they seem to feel the most for me. Jose has waited for me ever since I got out of the Air Force, nearly two years now. Mario and Miguel kinda had the same situations and amount of time with their feelings for me. Adrian says he'll wait for me, only time will tell. I don't expect anyone to wait for me, simply because I don't think anyone has the capability to right now. Not even Rudy could accept being my friend knowing I would probably be involved with other guys. How is that being a friend? The hardest part about all this is that I had absolutely no intentions of any of this manifesting the way it has, so everyone is still my friend at this point. I intend on keeping it that way. Everyone understands that I won't be getting into any relationships for a very long time. I hope for the next time I become committed it will be to my potential husband. I'm really tired of bullshit with being boyfriend and girlfriend when it comes to getting to know each other, and I need my freedom and space. Being with Rudy taught me that I cannot force a relationship to work towards marriage and the happily ever after. I guess I did that to justify my efforts to give him a chance after I had decided to quit seeing guys altogether after I returned from the Air Force. If I am to be married and have a happily ever after, it will be with the man that will truly love me unconditionally, and forever. I can't stand for disrespect or any more unnecessary drama. It's time for someone to prove themselves to me, I already have to those that count, and they know it. Lets see who listens and who takes advantage. The photo in this entry is one that perfectly portrays me as Jean Keagan. Very few understand it, but its the best manifestation that exists. :)

2006-08-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Like Frank told me, "Everybody loves Lynda". Just in the last few days I have come to know how true that is. Adrian explained a comparison between he and I that made all my situations clear. I am cursed by the magnetism I have, and this is why I cannot have a relationship with anyone. My humanitarian nature takes heed to the demands of those that need and want my attention. I get burned out because these demands are so much and so concentrated. Lately I have not been able to eat, but I have been getting more sleep, erratically, but still I am more refreshed after a long while of rest. I am trying to devise a strategy to manage my time with everyone and not get burned out. The last three days have been some of the craziest in my life. Three days ago I hung out with Frank most of the day. We went everywhere. He's the third Aquarius I have ever known. He's so similar to me that its almost scary. After seeing Frank I hung out with Adrian and we had dinner in Downey. Then I went to see Miguel. We were going to see his friend at a Ramada, and he had said that we should go in a taxi and he'd pay for it when we arrived. We went around 12am and when we got there, there was a misunderstanding, so we ended up having to walk back home about 3 miles. We were walking pretty slow because Miguel's leg was still bad. When we got to the front of the library we witnessed a car crash. A hit and run. I've never seen a car crash, so it was a little traumatizing. When we were closer to home there was a stupid ass guy following us and watching us. Retard tried to play it off that he was going somewhere. He had passed us in a car going the opposite way, then got out of his car and decided to walk behind us then pass us and stay in front of us. We threw him off getting onto G Block. We finally got back home around 4am. That next day I spent some time with Adrian in the morning at the Jaboneria park. We planned to see each other again after he worked. He asked if I had cast a spell on him, he he. I told him I didn't. I don't mess with free will. Besides, I have not practiced any magick in a good while. When I got back home I went to see Miguel and asked if he wanted to eat breakfast with me. We ended up riding buses and rails everywhere. We ate in Redondo Beach, then went to Downtown and spent the rest of our time there. Downtown, my favorite place in the whole world. The only place I can go when I need to meditate and sort out my life. He's the only person I ever brought with me to a special destination where I just sit, think, and stare at the tallest building in downtown. It always gives me a feeling of peace and awe. This last time was the only time I went to meditate at night. Other times are usually at morning or afternoon. When we decided to leave it was already kinda late. We were really delayed by an accident on the rail tracks of the blue line coming from Downtown. There was a nasty crash. Then when we finally got to the 111 bus stop we were delayed more than an hour because the bus would not come. When we finally got home it was past midnight. I had a serious talk with Adrian for a few hours, then went back to see Miguel. When I arrived he was in the front of the driveway talking to Alfonso. We went to the grassy area and chilled there for a while. Alfonso said he was in Sacramento because he drove a friend there and fled back home. After a while we went driving around in his car. It was a very interesting night. I learned a lot about Alfonso and Miguel. Yesterday I slept all day, went out for a few minutes to chill with Miguel and went right back home. I was still pretty tired so I knocked out again and woke up this morning around 10am. I missed so many freaking calls too. Its ridiculous. He he, even David called, which was rather surprising. He said he might come this weekend. Miguel came by this morning, we were supposed to have a serious talk he suggested, but he still is in no shape to be having any conversations yet. Who knows what is to come today. :)

2006-08-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a busy and very tiring day. I didn't sleep the previous night. In the morning I hung out with Zack, ate breakfast with him, then came home. Then I went to see Miguel briefly, I met his sister and his niece. She has the most adorable face. Each day is less painful for his foot. Afterwards I went to eat lunch with Adrian, we drove around a lot on freeways, aimlessly, it was pretty nice. He showed me one of the properties his family owns in South Gate, its right next to the riverbed. It was near the bridge I always go to past Firestone, he always wanted to cross it from there, so I took him along. On our way back to the car, I looked out to the riverbed from the middle of the bridge and got the inspiration to come back in the daytime and take photos of the scenery. Later, we went to watch Superman Returns at the Norwalk theater then went to the Jaboneria park. I showed him the riverbed shortcut and we walked the railroad tracks. I ended the day with him kinda late, but before my curfew. I was supposed to hang out with Frank and go to the movies, but was not able to. He would have been pretty tired anyway. I knew I definitely would not have been able to hang out with Mario, especially since he has to work. After departing from Adrian I went to see Miguel, he was laying on the grassy area by his house asleep with blankets and everything. I woke him up and he kinda got scared. I was sooooooo freaking tired by that time that I just knocked out. Miguel woke me up before it was too late for me to get back home. I was very unstable so he walked me halfway then watched me from the front of my driveway. I knocked out so fast. I slept well, a solid 9 hours. :)

2006-08-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

Well two days ago was rather busy, and so was yesterday. Two days ago I hung out with Miguel most of the day, he still had to stay in bed most of the day, but at least he was able to walk around more. He got some really good pain killers from someone, but it made him extra tired and sleepy most of the time. I've never seen him so tired. We watched a few movies and I took my laptop to show him the photos I edited and let him listen to some of my music. I hung out a little with Mario as well. I noticed on my way back to my house when I was walking Mario on Jaboneria, we were crossing Priory and Alfonso was turning on that street. He had to wait for us to cross so I looked at him and subtly greeted him with raised eyebrows. He did the same to my surprise. Wow, I waited ten years for that instead of an awkward stare returned. It was nice to see him after his absence from going to Sacramento. I nearly lost my breath. When I got back home from hanging out with Miguel I saw that I missed a call from Adrian. I called him back and scheduled another meet for later on today. He's going to try to help me out with a job at his shop. I'll be getting the application he got for me later today. He gave me a lot more advice about the situations I find myself in. Sometimes he really trips me out. I went to sleep right after we talked, then awoke yesterday from Frank's call about our photo session. We scheduled it the previous day and finally had it yesterday. Yesterday was really busy for me because I talked to so many people and saw so many people too. On the phone, in person, and on the internet. Frank called twice and woke me up to let me know he was not working so he could come over. The second time Jose had called as well. I took Jose's call and chatted with Frank online. Then another friend decided to message me, so I was communicating with three people at the same time. It's been a while since I've done that. Perhaps I'm becoming too popular for myself to keep up with. I even had to put up a status message saying "Please don't IM me" today. Sheesh! Jose called me about a few things. He wanted to know if I would still sell him my laptop, and I can't because I have it working again. Before I was going to sell it because it was really messed up and hardly functioned. Now with Mario and Jeff's help. Its a beauty. :) All it needs is a few upgrades since the laptop is so old. He also told me about coming over this weekend because he needs to see his mom. This weekend I was going to go to Rosarito, but since I don't have my birth certificate showing that I'm a citizen so I can cross the border back over, I can't go. Another thing he told me about was that there will be a concert in September where he works and he invited me. Everything will be paid for and he will help me out with transportation and certain privileges when I am there. I'd have to spend the night there since the concert is from 4pm to 4am. He's hooking me up pretty good. I was on the computer on and off yesterday all day. I had my photo session with Frank later in the day. I met up with Miguel on and off as well. At one point I was looking for him around G Block and was inches away from being seriously injured from a head on collision with a car in the Jaboneria alley. I was on my bike. Thankfully I braked soon enough before reaching the car that I practically flipped over and fell. My gears got out of place and the camera I was carrying got a little messed up, but I was able to get up really quickly without a scratch or pain. I was only able to walk away with quite a shock. I was so close to getting hit! Oh but about the photo session, I went to the little park at the end of Jaboneria with Frank and took photos until my battery died. It was interesting and funny at the same time. He couldn't stop from smiling and I had a hard time getting a good angle. I so need a new battery, or at least an extra one. I asked him about his invitation to ride with him during work. He travels all over L.A. and Orange County and wants me to go with him whenever I can so I can get more photography. He said we'd play it by ear. Mario came over after that and helped me find out how to do a few things online, one those being how to create an animation. I never figured Photoshop would be able to do that. Peter came over while he was here and we talked about Helena's situation. Then when Mario left I went to see Miguel. I don't hang out with both of them at the same time anymore because of jealousy issues. Everyone seems to not like everyone else anymore. That's why I'm going to the Nocturnal concert by myself. Miguel and I talked about a lot of serious issues. We nearly parted with tension, but we were able to talk things out. The most significant thing about our conversation was our realization of how everything came to be and how most things were no coincidence. His foot is much better now and he's been able to walk around without a cane. I have to call Adrian later today after I wake up since we're going to hang out. Gosh I have been so freaking busy! I get burned out about every three days. At least I ate a little something my mom calls Machaca today. That's about it though, oh and a soda, tee hee. :) I'll be going to Ireland soon, most likely for a year. The soonest I will leave is September. I still have to get my passport though, so it could be later than that. My dad has been doing better with his medication so I'm glad. All is well with him at the moment. The photo in this entry is of a rose given to me by Miguel. He manages to give me at least one everyday, and once I ended up with 6 by the end of the day. He used to pick them for anybody, now only for me.

2006-08-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well I have found myself being inspired by a certain song. A Kick in the Teeth by Fischerspooner. I hear this song and it makes me feel hope. It makes me think of better times when I was younger. It makes me feel confident and gives me the sense that everything is right with the world. Among the chaos I have been experiencing, this song has ministered to me. I really don't have anything to worry about. Gosh, music is such good therapy for me. :) I hardly slept last night because I was up chatting with Lena, and Jennifer and Martha came over. I was supposed to go to Miguel's to watch a movie, but I didn't because I had to deal with family matters. He's bedridden because he injured his ankle really badly. He was attempting to break off a branch for a neighbor and ended up falling the wrong way. Ouch. He can't really come out of his house, so I just go over there now. It will be like that for a few weeks. Mario came over yesterday to let me know a few things he has been planning. In all that he told me, I noticed that the decisions he made seemed like they were made impulsively. I advised him on this, and later I was finally able to knock some sense into him. As silly as he is sometimes, he's still a good person within. I can't believe I was nearly convinced to give him up as a friend. The photo in this entry is a recent one I took. I like it because it captures my beauty in an interesting way. :)

2006-08-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a difficult day. Rudy and I have stopped talking to each other. We have decided that we really need a break, so I'm going to wait for him to contact me, however long that may take. I went to church with Miguel because he needed someone to talk to, like a counselor or something. We got a ride there and walked back home, all the way from Downey. I didn't see Mario at all, he stayed home bored all day. He'll probably come over today. He finally started using the program that I got from Jeff. He likes it. :) Because of everything that happened yesterday I have decided to make some changes in my life. I don't need drama from anyone and I don't want to give anyone my drama. I'm pretty sick and tired of the complications that have come from being involved with certain people. I know that it won't end unless I make it. I need to get my life in order, so nothing will stand in my way. I independently went into the Air Force, I independently graduated from Vail. I will independently become a photographer. I've been through greater pains in my life than this. It's just a bump in the road. So the show must go on. :) The photo in this entry is of my cat Shadow at the front doorway.

2006-08-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very busy day. I have been sleeping erratically ever since that long period of slumber on Rudy's birthday. I went to see Miguel early in the morning for a while. I got hungry so I came back home and ate breakfast. Then I met up with a new friend, Adrian. We hung out at a park at the end of Jaboneria for a while in the afternoon. I saw my friend Jesus there, they call him Tony. We've known each other since 6th grade. He has changed a lot and has a very busy life now. I got his number for like the hundredth time cuz I keep losing it for some reason. He he. I told him my mom misses him, so he'll probably stop by one of these days when he has time. It was interesting hanging out with Adrian because he helped me realize a few important things that I was otherwise oblivious to in my life. I don't think I've ever known anyone as insightful as he. It's rather surprising. And it's quite a coincidence that his family owns the apartments that my friend Bladimir lives in. I asked if he knew him, but no luck. Bladimir is a phantom these days. Now you see him, now you don't. I saw him when I took my bike to get fixed and I was with Rudy. He asked if we were married yet. I saw Bladimir last when he was on his way out of his driveway and stopped to say hello. He asked where my husband was, he meant Rudy, and I just told him there's no more husband. He just drove off right away with a smirk on his face, lol. So after seeing Adrian I rode my bike from there to Mario's. I stayed there for a long while, I was so freaking tired that I fell asleep. Mario said that his sister and her ex were arguing in the room while I was napping and that not even that was enough to wake me. I was going to help him with his computer maintenance by installing a program Jeff passed on to me. By the time I arrived his computer was barely getting a defragmentation and when I woke up it was just halfway done. After leaving Mario's I returned home and left to see Miguel again. We watched some history stuff on TV and he made me a sandwich. Then he put on some of my favorite music and I knocked out cold. I didn't stay asleep for long, but Miguel didn't wake me out of respect. It's weird how sometimes I wake up for practically no reason. Because I fell asleep I knew I had to go back home and rest. By then, Mario called and said he wanted to hang out after he partied a bit with his friends. I stayed home for a while and Jr. came over, so he told me some good news and I helped him with some photo work. I left to see Mario pretty late. We went to the 7 Eleven and got soda then parked somewhere and had a long conversation about our situations while listening to KCRW. After that I barely got to chat with him online cuz he was so tired, and I got a call from Miguel. I was hyped up from the caffeine and it was nearly daybreak so I asked Miguel if he wanted to take a walk. He said we could go to his homegirl's pad so I could meet her. She wasn't there, so we walked to the Jaboneria park, talked there, then walked some more down the river bed. He told me a lot of interesting stories about his adventures with his friends. I was also enlightened to know how similar his path of education was to mine. Ms. Kazarian was a special teacher to the both of us. After the river bed we both went home. And I just received a call from him asking to be available in the afternoon. Although I'm not certain why. Just like I told my friend Frank, everyday is a spontaneous day, anything can happen. That's why I don't usually make plans and don't really go by a calendar. He's the same way. The photo in this entry is one I took a few nights ago. A lot of people like it. Someone had even said that it reminds them of the poster for Memoirs of a Geisha.

2006-08-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Rudy's birthday and my dumb ass slept right through it. I stayed awake the previous night just so I could call him before leaving for work and sing him Happy Birthday over the phone. My niece Viviana came over and we were playing in my room, she was hiding me from my mom. I knocked out on my bed and was totally unaware that I fell asleep until I woke up and Rudy was at my door. He came and slept in my room until after 7pm. I can't believe I was so tired. It felt almost like a dream itself. My mom and I were planning on doing something special for him. The best we managed to complete was fixing up the house. I know I'm going to make it up to him, he says it's ok, but it's not with me. Birthdays are a very important thing to me, no matter who it is, I like making people feel special on their birthday. He'll be in Ontario today so I don't know if we'll be able to see each other. Mario went with a few of his friends partying somewhere, and I only hung out with Miguel during the day time before my niece came over and a little after I woke up late at night. I have not slept that long in a long while. I didn't even eat for more than 24 hours! I just finished a spaghetti meal though, yummy in the tummy. :) I took a lot of photos today, mostly of my mom and a few of Miguel. My mom went out to the garden and picked a few roses for a bouquet. The photo in this entry is the bouquet after she grouped them up in the garden.

2006-08-04T03:44:00.000-07:00

I'm up in the middle of the night again on this damn thing. Today is Rudy's birthday. I think he is going to do his own thing to celebrate today. I spoke with him earlier about wanting to come to Rosarito with me and my family this next weekend. He didn't really give me an answer, but I guess we'll play it by ear. I know I'm not going if Rudy doesn't. He would be the only reason I'd stay or go. I spoke with Mario earlier as well, just tried to knock some sense into him about his actions and feelings. I hope it helped, God knows how I dislike having my efforts wasted. But oh well, whatever happens, happens. I have done some more photography with my mother's camera, oh how I love my mother's Nikon. :) I've been learning more things about how to take photos from Jeff. It really helps to enhance my photos. I was chatting with him earlier as well, we talked about some famous photographers and their work, our lives, and computer stuff. I was very surprised at how much he knows about computers. He's going to help me build my super computer. :) He's leaving for a deployment until the end of August. I was planning on hanging out with Miguel, but my day was just too filled up. I woke up late in the day, have been online all day taking care of things, and ate dinner with Mario at Sam's. I barely got to meet and greet with Miguel, but he understands. So I'm glad about that. Well, the photo in this entry is one I just took. Practically in real time. My hair was blowing from the fan. :) I'm planning on posting each entry's photo of that day, whatever it may be of.

2006-08-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I awoke from Rudy's call. He came over to set up a Vongo trial for me. Although because it is not working, I'm going to cancel it. Trying to get it to work is too much of a hassle. We went to the Sprint store in Downey to transfer his phone line to my old phone. It was a quick process, I was surprised. Afterwards we went to Boston Market nearby. Rudy seemed to be very affectionate, I guess he enjoys my company more than I know. After hanging out with Rudy I met up with Mario and went with him to get a new Helio phone at the mall. We went to Office Max to get a memory card for the phone, then to eat some fast food from some places near a spot by the Arco. Then we returned to my house to take photos and configure his new phone. I went to see Miguel and let him know I wasn't able to hang out with him because of some physical symptoms. He was sleeping outside of his house on the grass. Since then I have optimized my computer using a program Jeff passed on to me, given my mom a few Tarot readings, and cleaned up where it was necessary. It was an interesting day emotion wise. I still have not slept, but I know I will sleep the day away once again. :)

2006-08-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

I slept most of yesterday. When I finally awoke my mom was on her way to somewhere and Brisa was off to work. I was on the computer for a while then watched some television, then went back on the computer to do some stuff. I talked to Jeff about why his web site is not working, I'm going to help him fix it today in the morning. Mario came over later and ate dinner with me, we watched a foamy video, it was pretty funny. We tried taking photos of the moon with my mother's camera but didn't really get the results we wanted. I think I'll tell my mom to get a tripod. I went to see Miguel while Mario was here, just to say hello, I would have had to stay shortly anyway because right after I arrived, a woman and her daughter came by asking for his mom. They were complaining that Miguel's son had fought the lady's kid. Later on I drove with Mario to get a drink at 7 Eleven and talked for a while. We had the radio on the whole time on KCRW, when he started the car to leave, the car would not start. We got scared, so we waited, and it eventually started again. I got some flowers from some tall bushes before I left, my mom really liked them. She said they reminded her of the house she grew up in in Mexico. I called Rudy but he was pretty tired and never called back. Work has been very stressful for him. It was a pretty laidback day. I have realized a few things recently as well. You have to be your own woman/man to have a woman/ man. Also, I have a very powerful will, I hold a lot of energy. Perhaps that is why people are interested in me and get attracted to me. In a friendship or romantic sense. Maybe its my aura. Oh yeah and the photo in this entry is of a very nice dandelion growing in the grass in my garden. I took it in the afternoon.

2006-07-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent most of the day with Mario at his house. I was going to fix his computer, but I fell asleep and he went to run some errands. His dad was more respectful of me though. We all ate pizza and watched a movie. Most of the night I hung out with Miguel and Alfonso. Another funny ass night. They were both making fun of me about the stories I had told them about the ghosts I have seen. I had asked Alfonso if he had ever experienced anything paranormal. That's when he started his own story which involved everything I said just mixed together and altered. I so wish I had recorded it. They had me practically rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. Then the witch lady had arrived and they started making fun of her. Miguel was singing a paisa song about her demeanor out loud so she could hear him, she tried to be nosy. They were both telling me how she would flirt with them both a lot and they turned her down, and that's why she is so mean to them now. Miguel calls her his #1 fan or his secret admirer because she calls the cops on him so much. Toward the end we were all laying on the grass joking around about the lady in the garage and my phrase "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?". Alfonso saluted me for the first time, so I know I have his respect now. The photo in this entry is of a very beautiful rose in my garden that appears to be hiding. I like it a lot.

2006-07-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

I only slept a few hours yesterday. My dad went through a manic episode and it really scared me. I cried a lot in the morning. I really hate seeing him like that. It made me feel like panicking, well I was inside. I tried calling Rudy, but he had his phone off. I was going to go to the river bed and just ride my bike until I felt better, but I decided to just stay home and go back on the internet so I could distract myself better. It helped, a while after I was so exhausted and depressed that I just went to my room and knocked out. A few hours passed and I was awakened by Rudy's phone call. He was on his way over. I was still so very tired that I fell right back to sleep. He called again letting me know that he was at my door, so I had to get up. We laid down on my living room couch for a while and slept a bit. Then Rudy went and got some food, eating revved my energy back up so I was able to stay awake from that point on. We spent most of the day together, watched Walk the Line on DVD, and ate dinner that my mom made. I already miss his company. Later on I hung out with Mario and Miguel, we all went to Clara St. by the bridge to watch a retarded ass man on drugs way at the top of a power line tower. Everyone thought he was going to jump. We stayed there and watched him climb down a little for about an hour, then went back to Miguel's pad. I still can't believe that lame guy went all the way up there, seems he just wanted a bit of attention. He got his 15 minutes of fame. He ended up finally getting down about an hour ago. Freaking idiot was up there since yesterday morning. So it was a rather interesting day, despite the fact that I was so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. He he. I am definitely going to have a full day of R & R today. I have not slept this last night which is just ending, I'm off to Lala Land now though. :)

2006-07-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

No sleep again. I'm such an insomniac. I was on the computer most of the day. Miguel came over. He called, Rudy called, Mario called, and Jose called. Jose offered to give me a spot at his job for a couple of days, but I'm not able to do the job duties, so there goes that opportunity. Miguel and I had a nice conversation about taking advantage of opportunities in life. We also talked about how our attitudes differ from those around us. I hung out with him later on in the night for a short while. We joked about how he could be my photographer and I could be his therapist. Mario came by while Miguel was here, he was pretty tired so he went home and knocked out. Jeff took over my computer! He he. Not in a bad sense, he used Go to MyPC. It was koooooool. He helped me troubleshoot my Photoshop CS2 program and tune up my computer. He really has hooked me up a lot. I'm quite grateful. I chatted with Tony as well. We spoke of his recent experiences with occult matters. I still need to share my experiences of magickal things and enchantments. Rudy will be coming over in the afternoon, hopefully he'll stay all afternoon. I miss him. Not much else to share about the day, but hopefully something worthwhile will occur later. :)

2006-07-27T01:59:00.000-07:00

I have not slept in two days. I'm pretty tired right now but I have been keeping myself very busy. I met two new people on Yahoo! two nights ago. One was interested in magick (Tony), and the other I hit up to learn some things about Photoshop (Jeff). Jeff was nice enough to pass on the latest version of Photoshop to me. He showed me a few nice tricks on the program and even gave me some space on his web site for hosting my high resolution photos. Two days ago I barely hung out with Miguel or Mario. I didn't even see Rudy. I talked to Miguel about my drawings that survived from way back when I was a kid. I still have to email them to him. I recently talked to Rudy about my situation with all these guys in my life. He helped me realize how bad it was, which is worse than I thought. I took care of most of the things that were bothering me though. Rudy's loyalty will never be surpassed. And I realized that Nazreen and Abraham are the only people genuinely concerned with what makes me happy. I'm very glad I have them in my life. I hung out most of the day with Nazreen. We took photos then chilled at the park. I took her to meet Miguel and we stayed there until I called Mario to come over so I could show him the new Photoshop program. Mario came over and we all chilled for a bit in my living room. Oh yeah, and my dumb ass couldn't figure out that the reason the internet was not working on my computer or my mom's computer was because we had two DSL routers in the house when you can only have one. I'm such a goofball, I only realized it when I decided to unplug the second router much later in the day. I thought the Verizon Internet servers were suffering from a power outage. LOL. I missed out on a lot online, but I'll make up for it later. So now I have to get a wireless network card for my laptop so that I can still have internet while my mom can be online too. Good thing I still ahve my D-Link router. :) Gosh, I'm tired I need to rest. Zzzzzz.

2006-07-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have hardly slept once again. I keep dreaming weird stuff. Last night I was hanging out with Miguel, Alfonso, and Al. Alfonso left early but didn't go home. I got really tired despite the fact that Miguel gave me a soda to stay up. I fell asleep briefly laying on the grass. That's when I decided I should go home to rest. I was surprised to get home before Alfonso, but he's a real night guy. When I got home I chatted with Mario online then decided to call him. We talked for a while and I realized something significant I never noticed before. I was explaining to him how I have waited for so many guys and no one waits for me. I wait so long for anything of anything with certain people. I waited over 2 years for Franco to like me back. I waited over a year to have a personal conversation with Mr. Green. I waited 10 years to meet Alfonso. I waited 4 years to get to know Miguel. I waited 8 years to have a personal conversation with Mr. Rubalcava. Some people I waited for and never got anything. Like Trino, Alfredo, and others. I never rush things, mainly because I feel that if I wait and there's ever any mutuality it will be worth the wait and it was meant to be. When I respect someone so highly I wait for them. No one has ever waited for me. And now I'm at the point where I need someone to wait for me. My heart is in a billion pieces and it will take a very long time for me to repair the damages. I can't possibly get into another relationship with the pain I hold only to complicate things during the relationship. The true test is time, to see who will wait for me, who will be the last man standing. I've realized that a mistake I've made is feeling that a relationship should go forward because I felt that I liked someone so much or loved them, even if they did not feel the same way. That's how it was with Rudy, Jose, both David's, and Abraham. Now I know that I need someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me, I need to be with someone who feels the same way, not partially or not at all. All I've ever done is try my best at meeting the standards of others, and now I have all this pain as a result. I sacrificed so much for the people I regard so highly, and it was all for nothing. Absolutely nothing. There has only been two people who have sacrificed a lot to be with me, Franco and Rudy, yet eventually they didn't feel the same way about me as I do. I feel tired of waiting and hoping. Tired of the pain and sadness. I need to heal, then see who is the last man standing. What if it takes 60 years? Who would wait an eternity for me? Who knows. Time can only tell.

2006-07-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

Dear goodness, surprise after surprise. I just got back from hanging out with Miguel. Before that I was hanging out with Rudy. Mario was too tired to come out. I went with Rudy to Target, then to Mimi's Cafe in Downey, then to The Coffee Bean. When I got back home I talked to Mario then went to see if Miguel was out. He was waiting for me at the front of his driveway. I chilled there for a bit then we went to the middle of the driveway after he got me a soda. Just a little while after talking, Alfonso came by, this time I was not as affected as yesterday's account. He made a beer run then stayed and chilled with us for a bit. He was a little offensive the night before, but I guess since the ice had been broken he let his guard down a little. Some really funny shit happened this time, he was making fun of a lady who everyone claims is a witch. I couldn't stop laughing. So I told them that we should go by the wall, it would be much more discreet in case the lady decided to call the cops on us or something. He seemed a lot more curious of things than yesterday. Miguel was hilarious trying to mock the lady with his lighter. LOL. Really funny shit. I wish I had my camera to record his silly ass. I told him I would bring it next time. Alfonso got tired and decided to go home and sleep. He's going to come by again tonight, see what happens. I'll be sure to have my camera with me. :) Altogether I had a pretty nice night with everyone except Mario, he was missing out. Oh well. I slept most of the day before that, I'm about to do the same thing. Let's see who calls and wakes my ass up today. He he he. :) Before hanging out with Rudy I called Tony since he told me to if I had a chance. We reminisced about memories past from our childhood and planned a few things for the future. I really miss his mom Lourdes. Then I called Anthony, he had no idea who I was at first until I refreshed his memory. We spoke briefly and he said he'd call me back since we have a lot of catching up to do. He got that right. Today was a pretty exciting day. I've even got this thing with Miguel how we say like Pinky and the Brain; what are we going to do today Brain? Same thing we do everyday Pinky, try to take over the world. And I just tell Miguel when I leave, "See you tomorrow when we take over the world." So I wonder what tomorrow has in store for us. :) The photo in this entry is a photo Miguel took of the rose he gave me two nights ago.

2006-07-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

Well, today is Franco's birthday. The first love of my life. He's 32 today. Another special person to honor on this special day. I have not slept, and I probably won't until I have everything in my mind processed. Yesterday I slept most of the day because the night before I was hanging out with Mario, then I went to talk with my old buddy Miguel. While I was with Mario, we were leaving the 7-Eleven and saw an old friend of ours, Gabriel. We know each other from BGI days. We talked for quite a while there, and I learned that Anthony, an old friend of mine that Gabriel also knows, is still around. In fact he's only a block away from me. I would have never known. I have not spoken with Anthony yet, but it's in the works. I need to talk to him about something regarding his uncle. While I was with Mario that night, I kept seeing Miguel walking around or hanging in front of his driveway. He tried pretending like he didn't remember me from way back the first time I spoke to him that night. Then he asked me if I was married when I was at the 7-Eleven and it made me crash into Mario with my bike. LOL. It was pretty funny. Before retiring for the night, I saw him at the front of his driveway again and decided to go with Mario so I could tell him good night and figure out why the heck he spends so much time out there like that all by himself. He told me he needed someone to talk to because his best friend died. My heart went out to him, so I told him I'd stay and talk with him. Mario went home and I ended up talking with Miguel all night and morning about all kinds of stuff. Life, his relationship with his best friend, where he left to before coming back to BG, why he came back, and the biggest shocker of all; how he feels about me. It's been 4 years since I first befriended him. Now he has strong feelings for me, and I guess he only let me know because he knows my situation. He's a very respectful person. So, after our 12 hour conversation, I went to sleep, and was awoken at night by Mario's phone call. He invited me to go to the theater to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend. My mom asked if Brisa could go with us, so she did. The movie was interesting, but not all that. After coming back from the theater, I hung out a little more with Mario until he had to be home. Then I went to say good night again to Miguel since I had seen him at the front of his driveway again earlier. I was going to go by his house and let him know I was not going to be able to hang out because I was tired and had to sleep. As soon as I get there, I see him walking towards me from the back with someone else. When they finally got close enough I wanted to gasp, he was walking with Alfonso. He's one of the AT's. Someone I have had a crush on for 10 years. Just a few steps of walking with them I nearly fainted, I collapsed on the grassy area there and couldn't get up. Miguel carried me to a chair. Alfonso was probably as shocked as I was to see each other like that. I had no idea he knew Miguel and he had no idea I knew Miguel. He joked about it afterwards saying he had that effect on women. I told him he did. He knew what I meant. He has always known that I liked him, and until then, we had never spoken to each other. For ten years all I did was watch him, and the only feeling I got from him was fear. I always thought he was scared of me because he knew I liked him. I'm actually still in shock. I can't believe after 10 years I finally got to be that close and actually have a long conversation with him. It's the only reason I stayed instead of going back home, as tired as I was. So last night was pretty crazy, probably the trippiest thing to ever happen in my life. I hope we can finally at least be friends after having this encounter. 10 years of such awkwardness is a pretty long time. So now the situation has elevated in significance. There's about 5 guys that want to be with me right now. And I don't know how to deal with that. It's overwhelming because not too long ago not even one guy wanted to be with me. I was all alone, I didn't even have a single friend. Now I'm really into the social scene and there's all these dudes who want my heart. What the hell is going on? This stuff is coming at me from so many directions and the best explanation I have is the one I gave Mario once when we were barely talking to each other again. I have no control over how people feel towards me, I'm always completely oblivious until it becomes obvious once I'm told of how they feel towards me. For some reason, magically almost, I make a really significant impact on people. People I am still surprised I was able to change without intending it. Everyone tells me they always feel so comfortable talking to me, and there's a pattern I noticed that people tell me things that they would never tell anyone else. I seriously wonder how I have such an influence, because I'm so oblivious to it. People love the way I make them feel, its like its my purpose in life to give my wisdom while exalting them at the same time. To me, its pretty crazy how highly I'm regarded by everyone and by who I'm regarded as such. Perhaps its my aura that comes from my humanitarian nature and how humble I am. Who knows? Well, I'm off to begin what's to be perhaps another crazy ass day hanging with the guys. :) The photo in this blog is a photo of someone I knew a while back who is the closest resemblance I have ever seen of Franco.

2006-07-19T03:47:00.000-07:00

I got back from watching "Click It" in the theater with Mario while ago. I enjoyed the movie so much, I even cried, twice! He he. The movie inspired me to be content with what I have. It made me realize that things really need to have its natural course in life and that you really do get what you give. The movie was so freaking hilarious too! I was chatting with Mario after he arrived home. He seems to feel that he needs to change himself to a better person because of me. He already has done enough to show some progress towards his goal. Although I don't like that he feels he should do it for me. I told him that his change needs to be natural, he needs to do these things because he really wants to and feels its necessary. I shouldn't have that much influence on his motivations to better himself. The reason I believe this is because I don't want people to do that, then when something goes wrong; they turn around and blame it on me. Sure, it's flattering to be regarded like that, but it's also not fun to be blamed for unexpected circumstances. He told me that he knows the advice I give him will get him to where he wants to be, happy. At least that gives me hope in making a real difference in someone's life. On another note, I finally got in touch with Jose. He said he could not answer his phone because he had an ear and throat infection. I think he is still surprised that I am in Bell Gardens now. I had a nice lunch with Rudy early in the day. He woke me up. We went to our fave Pupuseria and talked about a bunch of stuff. He had to leave quickly though to work on some things for work. I was at the Enki ELAMHS in Commerce in the afternoon. The psychiatrist that evaluated me said she doesn't know if I have Bipolar or not. It seems I have some symptoms, but they are not classic to determine for sure. I'll be having weekly therapy and daily meds anyway. I hope something definitive can be determined soon. I really need answers. My photography is coming along splendidly. I'm quite proud of myself. :)

2006-07-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share some photos I have taken and edited recently.
This is Ernie, my mom calls him Ernesto, he's from Sesame Street. :) He looks like this because he's about 30 years old and through time he has gotten very worn. He's actually still damaged (practically losing a leg). My mother has put a lot of effort to preserve his appearance and quality. Notice the stitches? We love him very much. :)

This is a really nice photo of a flower in our garden. My mom says its called "Pensamiento" in Spanish. I took the photo right at dawn, I'm glad I did. :)

2006-07-18T02:58:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm still awake because I slept until after 2 pm yesterday. So it still feels like its the 17 th. I recently got news that my old friend Tony is having a baby in February. My other old friend Michael is also having a baby. Everybody's having babies!!! He he. Yesterday I didn't do much but mess around on my laptop editing photos, using MySpace, and messaging my friends. I took more photos yesterday as well, one of which is shown here. I edited it to make me look flawless, yes people, I don't actually look that damn good. It was very tedious work, but I totally think it was worth it. :) So this photography mission of mine is coming along well so far, I have a few subjects to work on so I can get my photo collection started. Rudy bought me a book on Digital Photography, I'm using it to work on projects. I'm using my mom's Nikon camera in comparison to my HP Photosmart one to experiment with the difference in quality of pictures. I'm super glad that Mario was able to pass on the full version of Photoshop CS to me. I have it on my laptop now, so I'm set. My dream is coming true, to be able to take professional photos and be able to edit them as such. Gosh, for so many years I have wanted to do this. Thanks to my mother, Mario, and Rudy I now can. :) Oh yeah, I saw that darn kitty that I'm supposed to capture earlier. She's really good at avoiding us. I almost had her at one point, but for fear of getting scratched vigorously, I didn't bother pursuing her any further. My mom found Ernie, the family stuffed doll. He used to have his partner Bert, but who knows what happened to him. Ernie's appearance has been extremely altered, all in an effort to preserve him. He still needs fixing, even after about 30 years. Poor thing. To me he's about as prized as my journals. Oh little Ernie, how I used to sleep right next to him in my bunk bed at night, and how I carried him everywhere I went in the house as a child. Memories, memories. ::: sighs ::: Well, all I have now are all the stuffed animals Rudy gave me. A monkey and a cheetah from when we went to the San Diego Zoo, and a Tigger baby he bought from somewhere. I hope someday they will be prized possessions for my own child. Well, later today I'll be having lunch with Rudy, then going to the Commerce Enki ELAMHS for my second evaluation, then to the movies with Mario. So I'll be quite the busy bee. :) Hopefully the heat won't be so bothersome.

2006-07-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today is Matthew Green's birthday. I don't keep in touch with him, but I'm glad I remembered his birthday. He was a very special person in my life. I honor him in my own special way every year on this day. :) Yesterday I spent most of the day with Rudy, we ate, I helped with getting his tank out of my brother's apartment, we went to the mall, then came to my house to chill. It was nice spending time with him, he seemed to be more affectionate than other times. Don't really know why, but I guess it doesn't matter. Afterwards I kicked it for a while with Mario, Aldo, and Jr., then Mario came to my house to help me with installing Photoshop on my laptop. We were unsuccessful, but I at least got to learn a few new things about my camera. Yesterday I also realized that Mario gave me the full version of Photoshop CS which is like $600. That with my mother's professional Nikon camera, I can do so much. So I'm on a mission, all I need are subjects. :)

2006-07-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Well today I got the news from Angel (my Air Force Wingman) that she is going to be a mother. She's more than a month along. She has asked me to be the Godmother, I'm so honored. I'm really excited and happy for her. I'm planning on going to see her sometime in the near future. Helena came to visit today. She expressed the things that concern her and sought advice on what to do about her situations. I only took a few photos, although we were supposed to take more. I guess she had to go unexpectedly. I hope my advice helps her. I didn't get to see Rudy today, but we'll be hanging out all day tomorrow. I can't wait. :D I have gotten my appetite back. Gee, now I'm hungry all the time. He he. What has really been bugging me is this freaking sweltering heat. I HATE IT!!! On the bright side, it is helping me lose weight. I have been riding my bike a whole lot more now that it rides so smoothly. I wish there were more people I knew that had bikes, I need a biking partner to go traveling on the river bed with. I have been reminiscing a lot lately about my childhood and all the people I knew then. I'm glad I can share some memories with some of those people on MySpace. Thank goodness for MySpace. :) By the way, the photo of me in this entry is of me at Krispy Creme one night when I went to the Mills with Rudy. Gosh, I'm such a dork. I'm glad I can laugh at myself though. :D

2006-07-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well great. I seem to have gotten myself into a love triangle. Oy, I don't like going through this stuff. Mario loves me, I love Rudy, and Rudy doesn't seem too sure. Rudy just laughs at the situation. I find it odd. I got pissed at Mario, but if Rudy doesn't really care, then I guess it's not much to get worked up about. Although Rudy still questions my control, I know I have myself regulated. On another note, I think my dad may be entering another episode, possibly a manic one. He got stung by a bee right on his eyelid, so now it's totally swollen. Who knows when it will go down. I suggested he go to the doctor, but he insisted on it being o.k. because he's been through this before and worse. So his eye is practically shut now, yikes. He was having a conversation with my mom about some chemistry thing in the brain. I could hear him from across the house, he was practically yelling. I went over and observed, I'm concerned he could be getting ridiculous ideas. I REALLY hope I'm wrong. Hardly anything gets me more worried than my dad being sick. My mom on the other hand is hanging in there, being the fighter she is. Her legs have been hurting more than usual lately. All that will ease her pain even a little is the medication she takes. Oh yeah, the female cat we have has been hiding a lot, she's like really paranoid of us. We have been trying to catch her to get her out of here. She cries too damn much, you give her everything she wants and she still insists on whining. I caught her at one point but when I left and came back she was released. So she's on the prowl again.

2006-07-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

I have been away from the world of the internet for a short while because my service was cut off. I reordered it though, so now I'm back on track. Since my last blog entry I went to the emergency room of UCLA on the eve of Independence Day. I had a major breakdown. Since then I went through withdrawal and am now sobered up. Rudy and I are back to "dating", which gives me hope since things have been really awesome between us lately. It seems that Jose is avoiding me and I believe it is because he doesn't want to pay me the money he owes me. He was supposed to make a payment a week ago, ever since that day I have not been able to get in touch with him. I hate it when people do that. Well, ever since having to go to the hospital I've arranged to get individual counseling, group therapy, and possibly couple's counseling. I will be going to the same kind of clinic my dad goes to, just a different location. I'll be getting re-evaluated on the 18th and possibly get a case manager to figure out my benefits if any and some possible medications. I definitely need to know my proper diagnosis as well. This last Saturday I went to Six Flags with Jr., it was nice but I wish I could have spent more individual time with him. I was glad I was able to go on the scarriest ride though, some bungie thing, I don't recall the name. Yesterday I went to Carlos' house with Rudy to celebrate Diane's birthday. Before that we walked to the bike shop to get my bike fixed. I should be getting it back today. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I saw Pirates of the Caribbean with Rudy on Saturday. I also saw Superman with Mario recently. I liked Superman a lot more. It was freaking awesome. As long as the movie was, it was totally worth it. I've really been enjoying the time I have been spending with Rudy, he has made the most difference in my recovery. Some things have even surprised me about him lately. Recently I've decided to get rid of any bad influences I have in my life. It is not worth it to suffer because of them. Things can only get better from here on. :)

2006-07-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Well, Rudy and I are no longer a couple. We have irreconcilable differences. I regret so much, yet he doesn't. Oh well. I refuse to let this get to me like so many other times. I give up, I don't care anymore. I'm just going to move on the best way I know how. On another note, I found my SD card, finally. I've saved everything on my laptop, so it's all secure and safe. My laptop has been working better lately now too. Mario helped me fix it's processing. Although since I haven't used it in sooooo long, its still kinda tweaking on me. I recently began a goal of reuniting with as many people I once knew as possible. MySpace helps a lot. So far I have had some very interesting finds. It's freaking early right now, I have not slept. I probably will later. Just take a long nap. Naps are nice when you feel as bad as I do. Ugh.

2006-06-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

Rudy and I brought home a cat and a kitten yesterday. They are so gorgeous. I'm going to keep the adult female. She would get along better with Shadow. I am naming her Willow. I've started my own address book, finally after so long. It's about time I made a place to keep everyone's info. My mom has told me that she wants Rudy and I to take her to The Getty Museum, I hope that's spelled right. I found my USB drive I used to wear around my neck, although there wasn't so much of the lost documents I was hoping to find. I lost an SD card Rudy got me for my camera and when I left once I stored everything I had on his laptop onto the card. Once I got to my mom's house, the card got lost. That damn thing is so small, I should have kept it in the camera, I forgot why I took it out. I seriously have to find that card. There's a lot of valuable documents from my childhood and even from before I lost the card on there. I guess I should have backed everything up online. I've learned my lesson though, now everything I have is online where it can never be deleted or lost. Recently Jose got in touch with me. He let me know that he was trying for months to get a hold of me but since he reached me and we talked now he says he forgot why he wanted to get a hold of me. I don't understand that but I'm not trying to play any stupid games. My mom was talking to me yesterday about what to do in the situation of Carlos and Diane getting into an argument and wanting my opinion on what they should do or say. She said that if it should happen I should just stay out of it and not say anything. I told her that I'm not like that, Carlos is my brother and Diane is Rudy's cousin, we're family. It's not like they are some roommates that we don't personally know. I told her how Rudy and I went over to their apartment because we were having a dispute and needed someone to talk to about it. I also told her how I know that Carlos would never mind me wanting him to be involved like that and how there should never be any cause for tension like that. She seemed to understand, so I guess she didn't quite see how serious everyone is about the issue. My mom taught me well in not butting in to people's business when it's not called for, but if someone needs my help how can I not heed? Thing are looking up s far as our moving situation, I can't wait to start the progress once we're there.

2006-06-05T01:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Rudy and I went to a Downey shelter to re-adopt some cats. We surrendered our last kittens because they were sick when Rudy went to pick them up, so the shelter allowed us and exchange. We found a beautiful female kitten that is a Siamese mix, she has gorgeous eyes. We also found a grey tabby longhaired female. She looks like a Turkish Angora. I am going to keep the kitten and sell the adult since I can only keep one more at my mom's house. We will be picking them up tomorrow after Rudy works. Ruddy is pretty excited that school will be over in 3 weeks. He has lots of plans for the summer. I'm back at my mother's for now, just had to bring some of my belongings from Ontario and wait for tomorrow when we get the cats. Jr. came, I showed him how to do some stuff for his profile and he showed me some fight videos on Myspace. It gaveme the idea to upload a few videos that I have of my family. Yesterday Rudy and I also saw the movie "The Da Vinci Code". It was one of the most interesting and riveting films I have seen in a while. I was pretty impressed. My mom went and saw it earlier with my dad. After seeing the movie I talked to Rudy for a long time about my life and how significant most of the major events are. Rudy suggested that I document those events in writing. So I think I will.

2006-06-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

Another night without sleep. Although I did sleep earlier in the day for about 10 hrs. Rudy got home from work and went to sleep with me but only got up to eat and watch a bit of TV. He's sleeping right now. We should be taking Helena home today. We didn't get much done while she has been here. I blame myself. Rudy will be on vacation soon. We are both looking forward to that. When he left for work in the morning yesterday he made me realize that it was Friday. I thought it was Wednesday!! We made plans with my mom to take her out to eat somewhere but I don't know if it was for this last week or the one coming up. I got news from Jr. that there is a Marriage Seminar starting in August. He advised that Rudy and I attend. I talked to Rudy and he wants to try to find a therapist or psychologist that can help us out until then. Earlier, I watched a music video that said something about not wanting to know anything more than being poor. That made me ponder how I wish I could be like that. I was like that when I was younger. All I knew were the streets of South Central and the run down home we had on 101st. Before moving I never thought that there was anything better than that. I wish I could still be humbled by poverty and remain content with life. I've already experienced what wealth can do for me, and it's not appealing. It's crazy how those few lyrics provoked me to think about what state in my life I am in now compared to then. So, to find my way back to that happy state I'm going to do all I can to save money, not worry about the negatives in my life, and just enjoy my days being young. Life is seriously too short.

2006-06-02T02:27:00.000-07:00

Helena is sleeping over, she's here to help me pack up some things for our move and also to help clean up the apartment. It really is a total mess. Rudy and I have decided to take all the small things out now so that by the last week all we have to focus on is taking care of the bigger furniture that requires two people to transport. We are going to give away all of our pets, maybe not the turtles, so we'll see. I'm pretty excited about moving since I will be closer to all of my family and we will be saving a lot more money than staying here. Although I will surely miss this nice big apartment. Helena has told me of news that Jennifer is moving to Montebello soon. I think it's a good decision since she is debt free and has her life well settled. Rudy and I recently went over to talk to Carlos and Diane about some rough spots in our relationship. Since then Rudy decided on his own to participate in some Couples' Counseling classes at Jr.'s church with me. I hope we start soon before he changes his mind or something else happens. Lately I have been searching for everyone and anyone that I once knew from my past on Myspace. I have been fortunate in my finds and am pretty happy about reconnecting with everyone. I hope from now on the connections won't be severed. Well, I haven't been able to sleep, perhaps it's all the soda I've taken in. I really got to stop drinking that stuff. He, he. I hope my state of wake ends soon.